One for Ellie

you were kind of a secret at first

one i loved sharing with your mama

as we went through workdays together

plowing through baby-lawyer land

and then when you weren’t a secret anymore

i loved to talk to you

right there inside her

every day in my office

loudly and straight to her expanding belly

i’d remind you we were so excited to meet you

and as you grew bigger

sometimes you’d dance around in there

and we would marvel at your existence

and the day you were born

when your mama kept insisting

she couldn’t be in labor

because she hadn’t finished

drafting her motion

i couldn’t believe how adamantly

you insisted on this day

being your birthday

and how quickly you managed your arrival

and then you were there

just a few hours later

so tiny and not quite warm enough on your own

and it was so hard to wait to hold you

but you were perfect and beautiful and full of life

and watching you grow up

the spitting image of your mama

(one of my favorite people on the planet)

is one of the greatest privileges of friendship with her

so today, you are four

and too soon you will be fourteen

but we will push that idea aside

and celebrate the wonder of you

everything a little girl should be

your amazing curly hair

your sparkling brown eyes

your constant commentary on the world around you

your strong sense of what you want

your contagious laughter

and how very much we love you

not just your mama and your daddy

but my entire family

and i have to admit, it’s a little bit more

important to me than it should be

that you were mine first

because we were friends, Ellie-est girl in the world

even before you were born

apart

it’s like
holding my breath
under water
at first
the sensation is new
and i wonder how long
i will be able to stand it
but the longer
i am under
the more
my lungs
ache
for air
need for air
gradually
eclipsing
everything

it’s like
fasting for days
at some point
i grow
accustomed
to the hunger
and the pangs fade
until i think of food
or catch the smell of baking bread
and my concentration
falters
the thought of food
invades my consciousness
craving
takes up
all the space
around me

christmas future

when i close my eyes
i see a fireplace
with burning embers
gently glowing warmth
as the logs fall apart
i see stockings
stuffed full and strung along the mantle
with names i can’t quite make out
i see you and me
snuggled up under a blanket
my head on your shoulder
lit only by the dying fire
and christmas lights
on a tree in the corner
the crackling of the fire
the rhythm of our hearts beating together

One for Aunt Bridget

when we played
my sisters and i
aunt bridget, aunt erin and aunt meghan
(a poem for another day)
i always knew someday
i would share your title
i would be someone’s
aunt bridget

aunt bridget
means moosey pies
and milky bandits
it is the parade of the present
and constant songs and laughter
in the middle
of putting one foot
in front of the other

aunt bridget
means there will always be a hug
there will probably be laughter
sometimes to the point of tears
there will always be tenderness
and silliness and joy
(even when life is really hard)

aunt bridget
means someone to love you
even when you say
(about your little brother)
“if he dies, at least we’ll have the dog”
while she unloads the dishwasher
because she knows
what you don’t know yet
how to love and hope and dream
through adversity

so now i am someone’s
aunt bridget
two little girls far away
talk to me on the phone
make me birthday cards
singing silly songs
and i want to be for them
all that you were (and are) for me
everything wrapped up
in that title
in a shared name
i love you, aunt bridget

Counting

it started before you left this morning
while my arms were still around your neck
and you were still holding me close
and whispering not to be sad
winding up inside me
a lump in my throat
it started really when you got off the plane
and came down the escalator
when the countdown of days then hours
had collapsed into minutes, then seconds
then nothing
and the count began again in my head
how many days then hours then minutes
until you would be gone again
because despite how hard i try to live in the moment
all the moments without you are missing you
and now i add six days to every sign reminding me
how many days left til Christmas
despite the sadness of being apart
despite the longing for your eyes and your voice
together with your arms
this is still a miracle
that i love you this much
that you love me back
that it won’t be like this forever
our time will come
we will get to build the life we dream about
and that started a long time
before you left this morning
before you got on the airplane
(the countdown now is at 54 days)

Birthday

thirty-two
isn’t a bad number really
twice sixteen
and so much easier
a little more comfortable in my skin
a little more familiar with my own crazy
less often off-kilter
lots of mistakes made often enough
reduced to infrequent lapses
well-chosen friends
interesting acquaintances
more balance, less fence-sitting
curiosity expanded
opinions softened
capacity for loving
for knowing and being known
infinitely greater

wednesday prayer

he can’t wait
to learn more
about who You are
who You are now
not just who You were then
(and You are the same)
You still speak
You still heal
You still draw men to Yourself

and I hear the hunger
in his voice
for more words about You
You, who set the stars in the sky
You, who knows every hair on his head
You, who loves him more than I do
for more words You spoke
to Your friends, to the authorities
to the people along Your path

today, though, he is sick
and far away from me
but not far away from You
would You wrap Your arms around him?
would You shower down your mercy and Love?
would You reach out Your hand that heals?
my prayer, like the centurion’s

You, the great healer
You, the embodiment of Love
You, the Way
You, the Truth
You, the Life
You, You, You
You are exactly what he needs
would You hold him close today?
would You come in power and heal him?
You still have only to say the word

finally, september

just words
letters tumbling out of keyboards
for a what seemed an eternity
words were enough
to start to pull us together
to reform an old bond
while wounds healed
stories were told
insights were shared
and then a voice
over the distance
only the phone
and it took just a few minutes
to find the same rhythm
to recognize the person
the friend
the one
behind those words
and now
the far bigger transition
flesh and bones
more than words
and there will be a moment
maybe even a few minutes
when it doesn’t feel the same
while our hearts catch up
with what our brains tell them
to realize it’s really you
your voice
your words
your self
standing there
live and in person
but our hearts will catch up
just like they did before
words will still flow
we will know
we will understand
the time is right

Come and see

You saw Nathanael
Under that fig tree
So long ago
When his friend Phillip came to say
He’d found the One

You knew his doubt
Was not disbelieving cynicism
There was no deceit in him
When he said
Can anything good
Come out of Nazareth

And Phillip so wisely
Didn’t argue
He let You speak for Yourself
He simply said
Come and see
And that was enough

Because Nathanael’s innate curiosity
Would overcome his caution
And when You saw him
Walking toward You
You let him know
You knew his heart
You knew his honesty
You knew who he was

And even when You affirmed those things
His caution persevered
He questioned how You knew
And You told him the truth
You saw him under the fig tree
Was he praying?
Was he dreaming?
Was he hoping for more?
And that truth
Specifically for him

Exactly what he needed at the time
Set him free from all skepticism
And his heart recognized Yours
And You promised to show him
More than simply truth
Glory and an open heaven

And that is so like You
Taking small pieces
And revealing big truths
Letting us know
You see us before we see You
You know us before we recognize You
And when we say to our friends
Come and see
You show up
You call their names
You win their hearts
Just like you did in the very beginning

Exactly

You are exactly
Who you claimed to be
Who you always have been
The Word become Flesh
Moving into the neighborhood
Into the mess
Into the chaos

You are exactly
Who you claim to be
Who you have always been
Love that gave everything
All consuming
Relentlessly pursuing
Everything defining
Exactly what we need

You are exactly
Who you claim to be
Who you have always been
Light extinguishing darkness
Opening closed doors
Making all things new
Calling our names

You are exactly
Who you claim to be
Who you have always been
Revealing yourself in words
Stories written long ago
About the Word that became Flesh
And came to live among us